Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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