I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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