That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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