I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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