Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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