i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
