They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
