imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
