At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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