70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
