So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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