no, he came in my armpit
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
