I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize