Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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