I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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