So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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