Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
