I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
