Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
