you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
