I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
