I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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