im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
