Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
