the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize