I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize
