yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
