why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
