There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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