you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Pants are for mortals
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
