Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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