Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
