Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
