I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize