i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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