life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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