Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
