Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I AM VODKA MAN
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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