He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
