I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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