I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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