You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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