wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
he just fucked me for my cheese.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
