In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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