The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
