Cold hands, warm shart.
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
