The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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