I can text with my tongue
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
