I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
