a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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