A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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