My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
