come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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