thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
