hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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