the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
