i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
