I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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