Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
