I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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