Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
