Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize