Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
