I love black thongs
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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