i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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