Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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