Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
